Dedicating my life to my God and family doesn't sound horrifying. It sounds utterly perfect. Like everything I've ever dreamt up could be encapsulated and handed to me on a silk pillow. When I focus on that, everything else seems to blur out. And in that moment...it's the perfect serving of life for me.
But moments later, I realize something. Not every day of my future is going to be like my wedding day...or like the day I look into each of my children's eyes (Lord willing) for the first time...or (my ultimate goal) the day I feel the recognition of Christ appear in my child's heart for the first time. Life isn't a collection of unforgettable moments--one stacked up on top of another. If it was, then they wouldn't be special. Monotony and boredom will set in just like they do now, and when they do I'll be tempted to feel discontent.
It seems like a mismatched and unbalanced reality. How can I have all of these things, and still keep the important parts in focus? Seeing my parents grow together, and hearing of their pasts apart, and their past together, has shown me something though. What I have, or rather, haven't seen are the blurry pictures behind the focus of my life. The brilliant colors of fields of flowers, blurred images of brightly colored sun dresses twirling through the daisies, and everything else I could possibly want in this picture of my life. Photos simply aren't complete without a setting to make the focus pop off the page!
It's stressful...collecting aspirations. But what a silly thing to stress about! Who says I can't be a stay at home mom someday, with the family I've always dreamed of calling mine, and still pour my heart into the violin? Who says I can't play with my children by breaking out their crayons and my pencils and drawing to my hearts content right alongside them? Who says I can't live with a camera strapped around my neck? Isn't the whole essence of photography to capture the sweet moments that you may overlook otherwise?